What do I need
to feel confident
in my story?

14 days into my 20s and i feel like shit. i’ve somehow let my stress take over the strength of me, and landed myself in a position where i’ve been in ridden pain, sleeping all day, and taking pain medication. i’m heartbroken, i have endless stomach problems, i never eat, i scroll on my phone all day, and my goals still seem all the way across the river. i’m swimming against the current, and i have no strength left in me. i feel His pull. i feel him telling me not to give up on Him. i’m so close. i know it. but there’s only so much i can take. maybe it’s the weather, i don’t know. maybe it’s seasonal depression. at least i hope it is.

there is so much i can learn within myself. so much untapped knowledge waiting to be touched. i think that’s why i write it all down. my journals have slowly become the textbooks of my healing journey, and time only makes me wiser. i look back on my entries with a fresh pair of eyes. i recognize mistakes and lessons learned that i cannot catch the first time around. i write to my future self. i write to the me who will look back at these words, and not just reminisce, but learn something new about myself. i’ll see my progress with my laughter, my smiles, and my sighs. it’s motivation in itself.

he called me.

M. THE M.

test #1 of 2024.

Z dmed me on instagram.

that feeling in my chest when i got his message let me know we’re still not compatible. he’s still not an environment i need to live in.

he unfollowed me this morning and removed me from his following. on every single account. completely removed himself from my existence. it’s just social media, but that’s what it felt like when i first found out.

everything happens in a timely manner. i started my mindfulness journey accordingly. i opened my new book and started reading and taking my book notes accordingly. it’s a domino effect. i trust God in the sense that i believe he will guide me to build my strength in time to handle certain challenges, not that he will dodge them for me. he will hand them to me, but not without allowing me to grab my armor first.

i stayed up till 5 am talking to S last night.

it felt easy. the silence in between topic changes was comfortable. every curtain he opened led me to open one of my own as well. we discussed religion, marvel, movies, books, writing. there was so much within him that i’ve never met in a person that wasn’t fictional. it was almost overwhelming.

i find when i am in the midst of a situation, i cannot see the bigger picture. i am like a bird in the eye of the storm, flapping my wings at a tiring speed. i don’t even notice when i have survived. when i’ve made it out safely. i’m still flapping.

discovering a flaw is an uncomfortable feeling. a mix of epiphany and agony. i can’t communicate.

i can dissect my feelings inside my head to a tee. i can understand the cause and effect. i constantly applaud myself for my self-awareness, but the clapping ends there because i cannot discourse any of it to another human being.

when i reflect on how i’ve handled Z, i get so lost in my thoughts. i question everything about myself: am i wrong? did he deserve more from me? did i give him enough? was it love or lust he was chasing after?

i circle back to these questions constantly, but always come back to the same answers by the end of it: i wasn’t wrong. but he did deserve more. we were hanging on to our premature love from the past, painting it with a fresh coat of lust.

i know in my heart i wanted to give him more. i wanted to explain, but i didn’t know how. my parents’ marriage was an insult to love and i reflected what i knew. i was taught how to confide in my favorite ear instead of the ear of the participant. isn’t it cynical how C knows more about the falling of our relationship than he does?

here’s the epiphanic portion:

i excused my flaws under the false pretense of our relationship. i knew i didn’t obtain the healthy elements to be in a healthy relationship yet. so i thought i could cheat the system. i thought i could excuse my behavior under the technicality of our dynamic, believing he wasn’t deserving of my effort to change myself for our growth. because under our technicality, we didn’t plan for growth.

why must i change my flawed communication if we have no future? why is he deserving of my words if he isn’t even my “boyfriend”?

i can go back and forth constantly about whether or not he was owed or deserved my words or not, and my answer constantly changes. but it’s not about owing or deserving anymore to me. it’s about handling the situation authentically. handling the situation in a way that puts me at ease. and ironically, explaining my feelings in greater depth would put me at ease. even if i don’t know how.

peeling back the layers of our false relationship may have burned in more ways than one, but it is something that should have been done. not because i owed it to him, or not because he deserved it, but because it was the healthy thing to do, no matter how superficial we were on the surface. because at the very core, i loved him, and anyone who makes their way into my heart should be treated with care.

for me. because i need to learn how to love healthily. because i need to learn how to communicate. because no one should be on the receiving even of my flaws, no matter the label.

i’m falling.

and S is the victim.

i don’t know what to do. i’m holding on to hope. so much hope and my grip is so tight, my hands hurt. hope that he’ll have the answers. hope that i can change for him. hope that i can change before i hurt him.

he’s so deserving and i can’t allow myself to give him anything less. i find myself sympathizing with the pain i think he will inevitably cause me. because i know it’s coming from similar flaws that i carry. but i cannot sympathize with any pain i inflict on him. i know that’s unfair of me to say, but it’s how i feel. the pain of hurting him will hurt more than any pain he can cause me.

i swim in circles inside my head. i’m chasing words to describe this feeling. anything sturdy to hold on to.

if we were to end this right now, i would still be satisified. it’s given me enough purpose. if we were to end it before, when we hadn’t even admitted our feelings to each other, that would still be satisfying for me.

i’m okay if all S is meant to be for me is a symbol for hope. do i still fear relationships? yes. do i still want to crawl out of my own skin sometimes? yes. but when i look at my future and i ask myself, “do i see myself being happily married?”, my answer is not, no. it’s maybe. and that feels so much bigger than it sounds.

if all we are is a stop that will lead us in the right direction of a happy future, then i’m okay with that. if he’s meant to be a lesson, a guide, a chance to feel and learn something new, then i’m okay with that too.

i’m okay with it because i’m satisfied just sitting in this feeling; i’m satisfied just sitting with him.

i’m okay with the confusion. i’m okay with the unknown. i’m okay with the flaws that i’m still working to mend. i’m okay with it because what he’s given me already is a gift. it’s precious and i value it. he’s taken weight off my shoulders, he’s given me hope, and he’s allowed me to be satisfied.

for that, i thank him.

i’m thinking so many things:

1. i think i’m accommodating his confusion as much as i am because i know i can’t give him more if he were to ask for it.

2. if we had sex, and he told me he still loved her afterward, it would have killed me. it would have set back my progress to when i left E. and then it would have killed me; my love, my trust, my hope. moments like these are when i start to believe He is protecting me.

3. if they get back together things will change, and that hurts the most. i won’t be someone who makes another girl uncomfortable. my decisions would be based on, “how would i feel in her shoes?” how would i feel if he was on the phone with another girl all night? how would i feel if he had someone writing him poems? i’d never make another girl feel insecure, especially somebody he loves.

4. i’m scared my bar is low. i’ve been with two guys my whole life, and both of them treated me shitty. S is a good person, that i’m confident in. but sometimes i think my past puts him on a pedestal. i’m unsure if how he treats me is amazing, normal, or bare minimum. all i know is i feel elevated because it’s far from how i was treated before.

5. i wish i could talk to C about how i feel.

6. i wish he told me all this when i wasn’t on my period.

7. i’m fighting my mind right now. i’m trying to stop it from putting him in the same box as E and Z. the problem is i keep hearing, “what if we had sex?”, but i can’t expect him to know a struggle i haven’t told him about, and that’s what reels me back in. i think i’m upset at myself and i’m projecting it. not onto him, but the situation. i’m upset i put myself in a position where i had to say stop. i told myself i was going to wait. i told myself i was going to gather myself, fix what needs to be fix, heal what needs to be healed, before i bring anyone else into my bs. every insecurity and struggle i had in my past relationships hasn’t disappeared. i can’t mask them with infatuation. i don’t know why i thought this would be different.

8. what was real? i close my eyes and i’m back in his car. i can hear things he said to me. it’s not how he touched me that’s confusing me, it’s his words. especially the ones he wrote. and i felt the fear reading them, and i was drowning in it in the car, but something was telling me he was bigger than it. i can understand detachment from sex, but i can’t wrap my head around what he’s said to me.

9. what actions were done as my friend and what was coming from something more? i think the majority of my actions were done as his friend. meaning, if i didn’t have feelings for him, not much would change. not me asking him about his day. not me calling him. not me trusting him. i feel a shift in him, and i can’t help but think it’s because many of his actions were linked to his feelings for me. and if those feelings weren’t real, then those actions weren’t either.

10. i think i’m just stressed about other shit and putting it towards this.

11. i’m overthinking it.

12. this stupid fluffy book isn’t working.

13. i want to go back to before we said anything to each other. when we were just communicating through writing.

14. maybe it was just a stop, eliana. maybe he was just steering you in the right direction. maybe he wasn’t the “more”, but the first step to helping me believe in it.

15. you need to heal what he broke.

i can’t give him anything good. i’m going to struggle if i give him something less, i’m going to struggle if i give him something more. i can give him broken and damaged pieces. that’s all i have to offer. it’s all a dead end right now.

i think i’m more upset at myself than i’m letting on.

if this was a test then i almost failed, and my head is stuck on how close i got to failing instead of thinking about how i pulled myself out. it’s making me think i’m not as strong as i thought i was.

i don’t want this whole folder to be about “love”, but that’s when i feel the urge to write in here the most. Z texted and i don’t know if i should take that as a sign. not a sign to involve myself with him again, but a sign that i need to deal with my past self before taking certain actions.

i’m scared i will forever feel the need to heal before i can love someone else.

i’m scared that thinking this way will only prevent me from being happy. but my fear of hurting someone else is greater than my desire for happiness.

he’ll make me want more, i can feel it. and the more i want from him, the more it’s going to hurt in the end.

i was upset at myself for not writing in here enough. i thought i let time pass me by and i wasted days i couldn’t get back. i realized it’s just because this year feels like it is going by fast.

i love that it feels like it is going by fast. i love the space that i am in. i love that i’m not counting down days, dreading seconds that feel like minutes, and minutes that feel like hours.

to be unaware of time is a gift. to wake up one day and realize the year is more than halfway done and fear you haven’t had enough of it is a gift. this space that i am living in is a gift and i want my gratitude to be aware of it.

i don’t think he will intentionally hurt me, but i think his indecision and comfort in having choices and options will; i trust that he will not deliberately cause me pain, but i don’t trust that he won’t change his mind.

that’s what i get scared of. that i will be in deep, not far from where i am now, and he will wake up one day and realize that this “situation” isn’t what he wants. this “situation” with routines and habits created that i look forward to. this situation with phone calls for hours on end and lengthy voice memos to fill the in-betweens. i don’t want to be in a world where he doesn’t fill my in-betweens. where he doesn’t fill the empty spaces and silences. every space for a new thought is a thought for him.

looking at him makes it worse. seeing his face, hearing him talk, seeing his chest rise and fall when he drifts asleep; it all pulls me in deeper.

i’ve fallen in love with the way he falls asleep. it’s crazy how i can even find love there. i didn’t know that was possible. i’ve fallen in love with the way his voice changes. his words get slower and his eyes take longer to blink. he’s bolder; he says things he would take more time to think about when he’s fully conscious. his breathing gets deeper and louder, and hearing it slows me down.

he apologizes in the morning. every time his text comes in, i want to laugh. because he’s apologizing to me, but i want to thank him. i want to thank him for falling asleep before me so i could get to experience him.

sometimes i don’t like how much i feel.

i don’t like that i can’t watch videos of pets and farm animals being left behind during a hurricane without fighting against my tears and losing badly.

once i feel it, i can’t stop. i can distract myself, i can avoid, but it’s always there. my whole day has become thinking about this hurricane. thinking about the people evacuating. the backed up highways. the limited gas. the lack of truck drivers coming in to help. the people with no cars. the people with no water. the people who are trapped. the people who aren’t even aware. and then worst of all the animals.

it’s fear, but then it’s something else i can’t put a name too. a weird bodily sensation that is hard to ignore. i don’t want to feel it. i want to be informed without it getting in the way of my life.

there was a story of a household who left there dog in a crate on the first floor during a hurricane that caused 6 feet flooding. my mind goes to those last minutes of that poor baby. the fear that probably went through his whole body. him clawing helplessly against his cage; those few seconds underwater that he probably had.

they are dyeing phone numbers on horses because they can’t take them, and their only chance of survival is if they let them free so they can run away.

i hate it all. these are the moments i wish i knew how to pray better.

i think i had a minor panic attack last night, but i’m not exactly sure what triggered it. i don’t feel comfortable with how i am currently handling my day to day anxiety. i’ve fallen into a routine of pushing minor things that make me anxious aside, ignoring them or being avoidant, and then dealing with all the build up later. and because i’ve built up so much worry, the release is bigger than it should be.

this is a list for me to understand what has been stressing me recently: - [ ] the news or any vlogging of the hurricane. all the information about the animals, the children with their d.o.b. and names on their arms, lieutenant dan, etc. - [ ] money. my payday changing from monthly to biweekly has helped, but wondering if i am wasting my time is always in the back of my mind. - [ ] my birthday. i don’t want to do anything, but i want to want to do something. i want to be able to enjoy celebrating it, but the idea of doing so stresses me out. - [ ] S. i know i am at risk of getting hurt. i can already feel it. i have to move on, but going through that process means distancing myself and i don’t want to do that. i don’t even want to have that conversation. the whole idea of him and how i feel for him scares me to death. - [ ] the fact that i haven’t been handling my stress and anxiety in a healthy manner. and the fact that i don’t know what to change it to. i don’t know what strategy would be better for me. because if i feel every little fear or worry, or if i stress about every little thing mom and dad do, then i feel that would be even more overwhelming.

these are all the things that i can recall or i am aware of.

i asked god for a sign, and i think maybe he gave that to me.

i think this is more than figuring out which destination we’re headed to. it’s more than you and i together. it’s your journey, and it’s my journey. it’s finding ourselves so we can meet the best of each other. it’s clearing the remnants of broken and discarded pieces we don’t want to give to each other.

i’m trying to trust Him fully, surrending control that never belonged to me. i want to learn about a love that makes me feel good. a love crafted from a template He’s given me.

i want to stay in the feeling of understanding that we’re growing for the sake of wanting something healthy. it’s freeing. it’s when fear is at a simmer.

i want to give you the best of me and still have enough for myself. if we’re not meant for each other, i don’t think this time is wasted. i think we’re building pillars to the foundation of every relationship in our life, whether it’s ones we have now or ones we’ll come across when we’re ready.

i met you at the perfect time, i need to understand that. because it’s the perfect time to grow, and that’s what this is about.

i love you, and i hope we’re building something that is meant for each other. but if not, i hope you still take it in and receive it fully for yourself. you deserve something good, something healthy. and i thank you for everything yet to come.

i like where i am. i think i’m even proud of where i am. comparatively, it’s much more productive and healthy than where i was in the beginning of the year. you being the other factor in this helps. you encourage me to want better, and i don’t feel like i’m being pushed into a toxic cycle with you. i feel very hopeful overall.

i have 2 weeks to get my shit together. 2 weeks to get myself out of whatever depressive funk i’m in because i will not be sad on my birthday. especially over some bullshit from dad.

i need to do whatever it is i need to do. whether that’s drowning myself in good music, good books, or avoiding them completely—as long as it will make sure that i have a good day on december 1st, then that’s what i’ll do.

i owe that to myself.

i either need to find a book that will consume me or a new hobby.

i’ve been in this space of needing to change something in my life. i need to feel consumed by something. i’m missing that time in my life where figuring out what to do and having too many options stressed me out. that feeling is such a blessing. and it wasn’t like i was deciding between life-changing paths. it was simply whether i should read, write poetry, edit videos, do my nails, write a story, or knock down one of the tasks/errands on my never-ending to-do list.

i want my brain to feel busy. i think i need a new hobby. or a new interest. i’ve been thinking about taking up knitting. i’ve also been thinking maybe i should take some online classes, but i don’t want to be too tied down to a schedule. i like my time being flexible, and i think i find much happiness in that.

it feels like i’m having a midlife crisis at the age of 20. i just feel like something in my life needs to change, but i’m not sure what. i’m spending so much time searching, and in that time, this feeling intensifies.

i need something to keep me here longer. to distract me from how i’m not making enough and how i’m in the situation i always feared i’d be in. i need to stay here a little longer; give it a chance. and so, i need a hobby to help me.

i might go buy some yarn.